Today, like any other day ... October 8, 2009

Today was like any day: an ant crawling on the keyboard; the TV in the background showing mostly commercials; the ceiling fan whirling; the birds chattering on the feeder.

“I have to remember to get baking potatoes.”

She looked away and found no one was there. Why was she alone? It didn’t matter, really. She liked it. She got used to it. She only wondered sometimes if that was the way it was supposed to be. When she thought about it, she realized that it was for the best. Alone, but not lonely. She had lived so well so far, so taken care of, so incredibly taken care of.

Is today the day?  October 10, 2009

So, what do you think? Is today the day?

She wandered over to him to find out the time. He didn’t look at her at first, but as she got closer, he raised his head and stared. 

Suddenly, she knew that she couldn’t ask him. She just couldn’t. She wasn’t sure why, but it was clear.

So she walked past him without speaking, without looking at him, without acknowledging his existence.

She guessed today wasn’t the day after all.

And why not?   October 12, 2009

The reason may be obvious to some. But she knew she would have to explain herself at some point. 


She rebeled against the thought of explaining. Sheesh! Explanations! What are they good for anyway -- coddling somebody’s baby brain that doesn’t have enough synapses to pick its nose.

But reality sank in, and she knew it would come to that eventually. Still, she hung on to the dream of going about her business without the need for explanations.

That's that   October 14, 2009

She didn’t know that he was sitting there looking at her. Even if she knew, she wouldn’t care... really.

But when she caught his eyes staring at her, she knew that it was going to be useless, bothersome, interesting, and (at first) exciting.

He left the room abruptly.. didn’t look back at her. No hint of caring that she was sitting there. None whatsoever.

Well!, she thought, I guess that’s that.

Didn't he know?   October 15,2009

She couldn’t imagine that he didn’t know. Surely, he would have guessed by now. Surely...

But there it was, plain as day. “I didn’t know that,” he said. 

Didn’t she tell him every time she spoke to him -- with her voice, with her nuances, with her questions, with her eyes -- ?  And he still didn’t know. How could that be?

Ah-h-h, perhaps it was that he just couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge the fact that she loved him. Yes, that must be it.

Waiting   October 17, 2009

She waited. Certain things take longer than others. A given.

But waiting for Godot? Is that even relevant anymore?

So what?!?   October 20, 2009

She couldn’t believe it. But, ha!, there it was. 

The torture of looking at it got to her. She didn’t see how looking at it would help her - or him. So she stopped herself and looked away. 

She wondered how others could look at it. But she couldn’t even do that for very long. 

“I’m not sensitive. No, I’m not.” She tried to convince herself. “So what if I am?!?”

She wrote and wrote   October 27, 2009

She wrote her heart out that day. That fateful day... when she couldn’t afford to do it. But she couldn’t not do it.

It was all that she could do to stop it. Continue. Continue. Continue. So she wrote and wrote and wrote. She didn’t really care what she wrote, just as long as she wrote.

Write your heart out, girl. Please.

So she sat there writing - for a long time. And at the end she looked at it and said, “Yes, I’m done here now.”

Not so much   November 2, 2009

Despite her exhortations to herself, she stopped writing - at least for a little while. 

After her last post, she thought, “There! I did it. I wrote,” and thought she had completed the task at hand.

But no. The motion of writing kept nagging at her every day... “You should write something today.”  “You haven’t written anything yet today, you know.”  Over and over and over again.

So, here she is writing today because she can - so that she can breathe free again, having quieted the nagging one inside.

It doesn't matter   November 10, 2009

In her silence she wept.

"It doesn't matter. It's okay."

She stood there watching as they all passed by longing to look at her but knowing they shouldn't.

"It's over now. There. No more. It's all over."

It doesn't matter," she said as she quietly made her way down the hill.

Don't weep for me   November 13, 2009

He took her hand and led her to the grave.

She followed his lead, but couldn’t help thinking that it was a mistake. She didn’t want to see the grave; she couldn’t face the reality of it.

He stopped in front of the gravestone and said, “Why? Why? We’ll never know. I will have to learn to accept that.”

She stood there, looking down, eyes closed. Taking a deep breath, she said, “I know why.”

Not sure which...   November 15, 2009

For all of us there is a moment in time - or maybe moments - when we realize that nothing is going to go our way.

She took a sip and looked the other way. She wasn’t sure if she knew him, but he looked familiar - in a strange way.

Ah, now she remembered. He was the one who was sitting on the bench. No, no. He was the one who was walking his dog the other day. No, no. He was the one who was giving flowers to a woman in the park.

Oh, jeez. She wasn’t sure anymore, but he looked familiar. 

Disrupt the pattern   November 18, 2009

She kept on walking down the path to nowhere. 

“Catch me, someone! Don’t let me ....”

All of a sudden from out of the nowhere, she caught sight of a sparkly light ... hugely bright but pinhole size and there-not-there.

“Ah, I see. Okay, I’ll go there.”

And so she turned around, made a sharp right-hand turn, and started walking again.

The Starting Point   November 20, 2009

She took off quickly, not knowing where she was going. All she knew was that she had to be mobile, moving, activated, on the move.

Slowly, slowly - after moving for what seemed to be eternity - her body/mind said, “OK, you can rest now.” 

At once she stopped, looked around, and knew exactly where she was. She was at the starting point.

Now I can...   November 24, 2009

She looked around and no one was there.

“Good.  Now I can ...”

All of a sudden she heard a very loud sound ... “BANG!”

“Oh, no. Not again.”

She got out of the car and saw that she had a flat tire.

“Well, that was a quick vacation from people.”

She said, "Thank you"   November 26, 2009

“Thank you,” she said, never really realizing that she meant it.

It only took one full day for her to realize that she wasn’t being nice and polite. 

Yes, in truth, she was thankful. She could barely stand to admit it. Thankful. Full of thanks. For what? 

He was gone. The others had left long ago. So here she was alone.

Then, all of a sudden, she knew -- deep within, she knew. 

She was thankful for herself - rather, her self. For without it, she could not be thankful.

Not fair   December 11, 2009

Yes, well. He saw right through her. She had to admit it -- meekly but not humbly, quietly almost without words. 

He sensed her acquiescence more than heard it in her words. She could sense his acceptance.

But still .. it wasn’t fair of him to denude her so. That was cruel. Not abuse, mind you. But cruel. 

She needed to keep up her “I-don’t-like-people” self-image. Please, don’t ask why. That’s just as cruel.

Wrong rabbit hole   January 13, 2010

She walked into the room and held her eyes to the floor.

All of a sudden her eardrums were punctured by the loudest sound she had ever heard.

She dropped her knees and held her head.

“Oh God!” she thought.  “I think I went down the wrong rabbit hole.”

You don't want to...   January 19, 2010

“You don’t want to do that.”

“Oh yeah? Watch me.”

“Oh God! Help! Pull me out. Quick!”

“I told you not to...”

“Pull me out. Now!” 

“OK, OK. Here, grab on.”

“Holy cow. That was close.”

“Now will you listen to me?”

“No. That was all kinds of fun, man!”

See you...   January 20, 2010

He left... just like that. “See you. Thank you.”

No mention of what a joy it has been. No mention of “I’ll miss you.”  No mention of “It’s been wonderful.”

No, not any of that. Just “See you.” 

She walked away with a puzzle in her to try to make sense of.

Puzzle put together ...   January 21, 2010

She felt the tears come to her eyes. She held them back and cherished them at the same time. 

Just at that moment of gratitude, the sound of incoming message brought her back to the outer world.

“Thank you,” the message said. 

And with that, she knew she was loved and cared for beyond comprehension.

I don't want to ...   January 30, 2010

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You should, you know.”

“I know,” she said quietly, like a child who knows better.

“Well, okay, maybe tomorrow,” he said, as if dodging a bullet.

“No, let’s get it done and over with today. No reason to prolong it.”

She swallowed slowly and started to speak. The tears made her eyes sparkle in the light of her words.

Listen to me ...   February 1, 2010

“Look, I don’t want to be involved in your little scheme. Don’t you understand that?”  She spoke abruptly because (1) she was talking on a phone (for goodness’ sake) and (2) she was talking to an imbecile.

“Yes, I know. I know. But it’s your problem, not mine.  Yes, I understand that. But again, you got yourself into it. You find your way out.”

She hesitated briefly before she hung up. She knew she was being rude, but maybe with the most pleasantest of voices that she conjure up, she could say good-bye and not make the person on the other end feel too bad.

“See you. Talk to you soon,” she said with a lovely lilting voice - as if she was smiling. 

It took a while ... February 3, 2010

She couldn’t remember the last time she cried... really cried unabashedly with long tears falling off her chin. Had she ever cried that hard? Had she ever let herself cry that hard?

She wandered over to the gravestone and looked at what it said.

‘Look! It’s full of stars.’

Now she knew why she couldn’t remember. She breathed deeply and walked away.

Jungle of Missteps   February 7, 2010

There was no mistaking it. It was a jungle out there, with vines and animal sounds and creepy lighting.

He yelled out ferociously, “I know you’re there somewhere. Please appear!”

Deep within him, he knew no answer would return. He was alone. 

The greenness started to get on his nerves. Where was the blue sky? That always made him feel the stillness.

He sat down and breathed deeply.

“Oh, God!” and he turned off the alarm clock.

Oh well...   February 15, 2010

She cried, and she didn’t know why. Maybe it was the time of the day or month or year. Whatever.

She reached for a piece of chocolate. Chocolate always made her body feel better and tricked her mind into feeling the body’s glee.

“Oh well,” she sighed. “Another day chalked up to fail.”

She sat back and closed her eyes as the wetness fell down her left cheek.

Not a clue   - March 3, 2010

The one who thought she had everything forgot that she didn't have a clue.

"What the hell....?"


"Oh fork!"

"Ah... there it is."

She picked up the small piece of paper and read the words on it:

"Next clue:
    Down the rabbit hole."

And there it was - March 19, 2010

The only thing she knew was that she didn't know. No biggie, she figured.

"I'll just start again."

No sooner had she said that, she heard a loud noise and then an extreme silence. 

"Well, I guess not."

She hopped over the big box in front of her and started walking down the corridor. With jellyfish all around her spilling out of the boxes, she walked carefully to avoid them, but still wound up in the infirmary with all kinds of welts on her feet.

They took her - March 30, 2010

They took her away. She kicked and screamed and fought with all she could muster.

"Look! You don't have to ... I won't tell. I promise. Really. See? I've already forgotten."

They dragged her slowly by the feet over the smooth, cotton-candy-like ground. 

She took one last look at the river behind her and sighed.